Causing Your Own Pain

I want to tell you the story about a girl who caused her own pain.

This girl had a very normal childhood, and even though she grew up with divorced parents, she felt much love and affection from the ones around her. The only difference, she felt God calling out to her at a very young age in life. Though she didn’t grow up in a religious family, she felt drawn to the mystery of Jesus. 

Her first encounter with Christ was probably unusual to most people, yet it was the most impactful moment of her life. This elementary aged girl felt the full flame, the full presence of God when she accepted him. The fire and excitement was calmed by the washing of peace that came with a water baptism in a medal trough outside a little church in Texas. The moment when God permanently stamped her life.

That girl was me.

And this story sounds like the beginning of a wondrous walk with Christ, and it was, but its not what you think.

See, with age comes pain. There’s pain that happens throughout childhood and adolescence that we have no control over. Pain that we should never blame ourselves for.

There was a moment in my teenage years that I decided to say yes to God. A full YES, like I’m diving in head first, going to finally surrender everything. And then I would mess up, and then people would talk about it. Friends, friend’s parents, it felt like everyone knew my business. That is when shame entered, that is when I ran from God, that is when I started causing my own pain.

I ran and I ran hard, straight into the arms of sin. Binge drinking, drugs, boys. All of it, I embraced all of it. The more I pushed Jesus away, the more sin I would pile on to try to drown out the whisper of the Holy Spirit. I didn’t want Him to have control, because His control meant pain, and I wasn’t having anymore of that.

Except, I was having more pain. Pain that I caused by the decisions I made. Mornings were riddled with shame and hate for myself. The more I tried to get control of my life, the more I messed it up. I would always choose the wrong thing, as much as I wanted it to be right.

Those choices landed me in relationships that were unhealthy, or just simply not what God wanted. So, I would go through the pain of fighting, the feeling of rejection, and ultimately that feeling of failure when the relationships ended. The cycle just kept repeating.

Until that day. That day I finally stopped running, that day I realized I was causing my own pain. You see, I had thought I had taken control over my life, but the truth is, I was out of control. I was creating disaster without my savior. 

Everything changed after I stopped running. God restored everything, everything that I destroyed. He took the shame and healed the pain. All the pain, the pain caused by others and myself. 

Why am I telling you this?

Because my heart hurts for those I see causing their own pain. There’s ones I love that I can see running from God, refusing to surrender. They don’t want to accept something God is saying, or they don’t want to feel out of control. Whatever reason, they’re running and it’s causing them pain.

In the book of Jonah, we see a man called by God to deliver a message to Nineveh. This massage was not a good one, and Jonah decided it would best if he didn’t deliver that message. Jonah ran. He traveled to another town, found a ship, paid a fare, and set sail away from the presence of God. But God did not let Jonah go. He kept pursuing Jonah. First with a storm, and then with a big fish. Jonah stayed in that fish for 3 days. When Jonah finally cried out to God and repented from running away, God released him from the fish and on to dry land. Jonah went on to preach the message that God had for Nineveh, which stirred repentance and saved the entire city.  

You see, God’s will, will be done. If He wants you, He is going to have you. He gives and He takes away according to His purpose and plan. Can you imagine what pain and anguish Jonah went through for 3 days in a fish? 3 days living in filth without food or water. In fact, you can see the desperation in Jonah’s cries in chapter 2. Sounds harsh? Well guess what, His ways are so much better than our ways. And even if we think we know better, we don’t. Jonah would have been in a much different place had he followed God’s instructions. Our minds can not even comprehend the goodness He has planned for us. We have to let Him work in our lives. We have to read His word and follow His commands to see His goodness. 

So, let’s evaluate here…

Do you have things that cause you pain?

Are you miserable at your dream job? Is your relationship suffering? Do you feel purposeless? Do you have unfulfilled desires in your heart?

I want to challenge you to ask God if it is because you are running from something He wants from you. Do you need to surrender? Are you causing your own pain by not letting God have His way? Did you follow a course you thought would be better than His?

Cry out to Him today. He’s waiting.



I’m Not Leaving The Church

My family and I attended our last traditional church meeting in early April of this year. It did not happen purposely, rather, a series of events led up to the departure. One being the early arrival of our fourth child. We were instructed by doctors to avoid the masses, specifically church, for a while. You have to be extremely cautious with premature babies.

Have you ever heard the saying, “You can’t see clearly when you’re in it.” That applies to this case. The break from church helped us see our lives, particularly our spiritual lives, more clearly. We started asking why. Why do we do the things we do?

We were concerned about what we were teaching our children and what our account before The Lord was going to look like. We just didn’t feel like we were serving The Lord in the best way possible. In fact, we found ourselves to be the very religious people the world despises.

But I want you to know, I’m not leaving The Church.

I love The Church. The Church is my family. My brothers and sisters.

The Church has given me so much. So much love. So much joy.

The Church partnered with God to change my life. The Church helped me grow into the woman I am today.

I could never leave The Church.

The Church is beautiful in its mission, bringing the simplicity of the gospel to the world around it.

The Church teaches us to be selfless and love God and people more.

I’m not leaving The Church. I could never leave The Church, because leaving The Church would mean leaving my faith.

The Church is a people. A people Jesus came for. A people Jesus saved. Through faith we belong to The Church.

The journey out of the traditional church setting opened my eyes to something that was right in front of me for a very long time.

I saw a remnant. A remnant of people in The Church who are hungry for more of God.

These people long to reach the lost. They long to use the spiritual gifts the creator has placed inside of them. They long to live in unity with their brothers and sisters. They long to understand His word for themselves.

These people know that something has to change. They know that God wants to do something so sweet in their walk with Him. They know that His will goes far beyond a Sunday morning service. They know that the traditional church setting isn’t working for them.

Some are still plugged into a local body. Some are bouncing around. Some have been out on their own for quite a while.

The remnant is not a rebellious people. They’re not bitter or mad. They’re not prideful or boastful. They’re simply seeking God in a different way.

God has broken my heart for the remnant. God has called our family to the remnant.

The remnant belong to The Church.

I could never leave The Church. In fact, I am fighting for The Church. I’m stepping outside of the norm, stepping out in faith, seeking the face of God on behalf of The Church, on behalf of my family.

Our family has stepped out of the traditional church setting and there has been a cost. It has cost us friendships and relationships. It has cost our family a lifestyle, a comfort. It has cost us our religion. We were so religious.

But we have gained so much more.

So, this is me, your sister in Christ, saying I could never leave you, Church. I love you deeply.

Nothing could divide us. Our mutual faith unites us. We will spend eternity together.

The Church is so much more than the physical limits we put on it. Let’s not let the way we do church define The Church.

Jesus commanded us to love one another as He loved us (John 13:34). This is how we show the world the gospel, by loving one another. Disciples of Christ live differently, they live unified. They live as The Church, geographically scattered, but united in spirit.  

 

Please comment below what you love about The Church!

A Sisterhood

There I was, pacing a quiet house. Nothing but the sound of 3am silence around me. For a mother, this sounds peaceful, right?

 

But it wasn’t peaceful. In fact, the silence just made me more aware of how alone I felt in that moment. What was wrong with me?

 

Anxiety. Panic. Fear. All raging through my body. It was as if I could feel the panic flowing through my veins, my skin blazing with a flame fueled by fear.

 

Except, what was I fearful of? There is no immediate danger, no sickness in my family, no demise on the horizon. In enters the self condemnation…

 

The thoughts scream at me, “What is wrong with you? You are blessed. Why are you acting like this? You have what most people dream. Why can’t you find your joy? Do you even really know God’s joy? If you did, you wouldn’t be acting like this.”

 

As my husband wakes for work, I finally find rest, only to be woken minutes later by hungry children. Peeling myself out of bed, desperately reaching for the coffee that always came with a spoonful of sadness, I dread the day ahead of me. No matter how hard I tried, I could not pull myself out of the black hole that seemed to be sucking me in deeper by the minute.

 

This was me, night after night, day after day, following my 4th child.

 

I kept it in, hidden. I told myself I was strong, that I needed to get over it. I pushed myself to get through. And then it happened, I pushed myself to the breaking point. Rock bottom.

 

You see, when you’re in depression, it’s hard to even realize you’re depressed. You get use to the presence of the dark cloud. Your mind convinces you that you’re just ungrateful and lazy. Feeling like yourself again seems like something you can only dream about.

 

Sisters. My sweet sisters. You CAN be yourself again. You’re not alone.

 

Did you know that there are more than 3 million cases of postpartum depression per year in the US alone?

 

So, what do I see?

 

I see an alarming number of women struggling alone.

 

I see a culture that teaches us that we should be able to do it all. It says we can work, raise children, maintain the home, socialize, etc. Which is great, except, sometimes you can’t do it all. Sometimes you’re tired. Sometimes you’re overwhelmed.

 

It’s okay, sister. I’m tired too.

 

So let’s make a pact. A pact that we will talk to one another. A pact that we will love one another more deeply than ever.

 

If you’re struggling, reach out. Don’t suffer in silence.

 

If you have struggled, share your story so others don’t feel alone.

 

Let’s build a sisterhood of real women dealing with real problems.

 

We are worth it, don’t you think?

 

 

I created this blog to tackle some of the subjects women face everyday. I want to hear from you! Please leave a comment 🙂